I don't want to be a rock

Wow. Excerpt from a book a friend gave me on Anxiety by Dr. Paul Dobransky.

Biologists have an answer. They say that "life is irritable". A living thing is defined as a being that is hit by the environment’s stress, and then makes a purposeful response to that stress. This implies that a decision has been made. Therefore, the only thing that all living things have in common is that they make decisions.

Even a tree makes a crude kind of decision in response to the environment—its branches grow toward sunlight, NOT toward shade. A frog makes a decision to hop away from a predator. But rocks do not make decisions. When stressed by the environment, they only sit there. Rocks are by definition not alive, a fact which struck me.

...

...in all we do, including what we do about our anxieties and panic, there are only three potential routes: be passive, be destructive, or be constructive. Since being passive is being a little less than alive [like the rock], and being active means being “more alive,” this meant that whether we make a mistake with our decisions or not, we are still more alive for making them. I could wrap my mind around that. It meant that ANY decision is better than NO decision about a fear we have, including the fear of having another panic episode. My procrastination was fixed. My hesitance about changing was fixed. My fear of taking action because I might not pick the right action was fixed – my perfectionism was lessened, and with it, my stress.

Piano Wake Up Call

A little bizarre. I'm starting to feel a certain level of frustration with the piano. Like I'm more easily irritated when I can't perfect something. Bizarre because normally I feel like that with most activities but with the piano I felt different different this year. And now that irritation is back. Wtf. It seems like I'm starting to expect too much of myself on this thing. I'm losing perspective of the modest level I'm at.

I must stop trying to perfect pages 1-2 and fully focus on page 3 at this point. I must acknowledge or remind myself how new I am at this. Trying to copy what professional pianists playing the best interpretations of Moonlight Sonata is a silly task for my level. I need to start feeling productive again. I must avoid an unhealthy relationship with the piano and music. And I should probably also learn to practice tonight's lesson in other areas of my life. Pinch myself. Wake up and smell the coffee. Acknowledge the levels I'm at in everything in life. Stop trying to achieve unrealistic goals. Pursue more modest goals that give me a sense of accomplishment and motivate me to keep going. That must be my plan of action in all things. This is what getting to know yourself is all about.

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An Artist's High

I swear. The making of music. The making of any art form. I don't think I can equate its gratification to any other pleasure in life. It's unique. It's grand. It's Godly. I don't think I can sacrifice it or compromise it now that I have truly lived it. It's like a runner's high but full of wonderful emotion, not just pleasurable bodily sensation.

...
I thank my piano coach and friend for helping me step into this world even deeper than I ever was before.


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Backwards

I have to admit. I've been a rebellious child tonight. I spent several hours on the piano practicing the first two pages of Moonlight Sonata. I even felt like throwing a tantrum about why I couldn't do this full time. If I could go back in time and start all over again, I would go to school for music.

What surprises me though is that although my father and his side of the family are primarily all musicians, music didn't come naturally for me the way painting did, which comes from my mom's side. Singing was certainly not a natural or easy gift for me. Neither were rhythms. But why is it that I wound up taking voice lessons at age 23, after all? And why is it that the older I grow, the more passionate I am becoming about music. Why is it that although I've taken a few piano lessons here and there since I was a child, now 33, I feel a crazy obsession and almost adoration for the piano?

Why am I so f'n backwards? Although I do feel blessed for this gift, I'm realizing this curse I have of being, living or growing so f'n backwards.

Beethoven's World of Fantasy

I'm now studying page two of Moonlight Sonata or Sonata quasi una Fantasia.

Learning this piece is like reading one of those novels about some fantasy world with some enchanted forrest full of mysteries and rare beauty. Like a Lord of the Rings or Pan's Labirynth. I just don't get how a music composer can be that powerful, that genius, that gifted, with just one instrument.

I'm amazed... Thank you, Beethoven, for introducing me to a world I just barely appreciated as a listener before. Now that my fingers walk thru this enchanted path of magical notes, I see a world I just didn't know before.

I must admit that as I write these words, it's hard for my heart to hold back so much emotion with tears of awe and appreciation.

Thank you, Beethoven. Thank you, Michel (my coach). Thank you, God, the Tao and the Universe for this gift.


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Moonlight Sonata Page 1 with Accents! Wooohoo!

Woohoo! Page one completed with accents! I still have more work to do (of course) but feeling good with this for tonight. Sweet Beethoven dreams :)

Practicing Sonata quasi una Fantasia

Completed page 1. I'm still getting comfortable with the last part at the end, hence I'm not keeping up with the rhythms. My piano coach, Michel, wants me to start working on the accent notations of the music this week, which will add more character and emotion to the piece. Love it :) *sigh*