Algo cómico que me hizo recordar una amiga y mi estilista este fin de semana. Sigo viviendo al revés de la mayoría de seres humanos. Para mi, los domingos son como mi Jueves. Yo prefiero la semana de trabajo que los fines de semana. Paso todo el fin de semana esperando a que llegue el Lunes. Así recuerdo ser bastantes épocas de mi vida, no solo ahora.
La mayoría de personas les da terror la turbulencia en un avión o cuando les sale su primera cana. A mi me gustan esas cosas. Me fascina el cosquilleo que siento en el estomago durante una turbulencia. Y me entristecí al saber que por accidente me arranqué mi primera cana.
Parece que mi prima tiene razón. Soy como Alicia viviendo en un mundo donde muy pocos me entienden...
We have the power to choose to want to, so we choose to want to, and that makes us do.
I came to this realization as I was thinking that not only did I no longer believe in myself. I no longer wanted to believe in myself. So that led to the simple realization that I just had to want to believe in myself. And the truth is that I do have the power to choose what I want and don't want. And when I choose to want to do something, I do it. So today I chose to want to believe in myself again.
We have the power to choose to want something, anything. It can be the choice to want to believe in ourselves and a Higher Power. That's all that it takes, to keep trying.
Since physically I cannot handle the stress most people deal with, I haven't left my current career to pursue something else possibly more fulfilling full time. I'm having to be patient based on my circumstances and finding the good in what I do.
To me, there is no point in having some big-time goal I won't accomplish till age 50 if from now till then I won't enjoy the journey. Whatever it is, I must make sure my journey is enjoyable. Otherwise, if I was at my death bed a year from now, I would feel like I failed, like I wasted my time in this world, no matter how hard I worked.
Today I was asked what was my favorite job in my whole life. I actually wrote down, the job I have today. I work with the best team. That is why it's my favorite job. Then I was asked what was my dream job and I said pilot although being a musician is up there too. I guess I feel fortunate that I've been able to find a good environment where I get paid for doing what I'm best at, today. Even tho it's not my "dream" job.
I don't mean this to encourage or discourage your current journey. I'm just expressing what my current perception about my dreams are. I dream for inner peace, whatever I do. I don't dream for riches. I don't dream for titles, awards or fame. I just want to be peaceful and joyful. I just want to love myself and have loving people in my life.
Biologists have an answer. They say that "life is irritable". A living thing is defined as a being that is hit by the environment’s stress, and then makes a purposeful response to that stress. This implies that a decision has been made. Therefore, the only thing that all living things have in common is that they make decisions.
Even a tree makes a crude kind of decision in response to the environment—its branches grow toward sunlight, NOT toward shade. A frog makes a decision to hop away from a predator. But rocks do not make decisions. When stressed by the environment, they only sit there. Rocks are by definition not alive, a fact which struck me.
...in all we do, including what we do about our anxieties and panic, there are only three potential routes: be passive, be destructive, or be constructive. Since being passive is being a little less than alive [like the rock], and being active means being “more alive,” this meant that whether we make a mistake with our decisions or not, we are still more alive for making them. I could wrap my mind around that. It meant that ANY decision is better than NO decision about a fear we have, including the fear of having another panic episode. My procrastination was fixed. My hesitance about changing was fixed. My fear of taking action because I might not pick the right action was fixed – my perfectionism was lessened, and with it, my stress.
A little bizarre. I'm starting to feel a certain level of frustration with the piano. Like I'm more easily irritated when I can't perfect something. Bizarre because normally I feel like that with most activities but with the piano I felt different different this year. And now that irritation is back. Wtf. It seems like I'm starting to expect too much of myself on this thing. I'm losing perspective of the modest level I'm at.
I must stop trying to perfect pages 1-2 and fully focus on page 3 at this point. I must acknowledge or remind myself how new I am at this. Trying to copy what professional pianists playing the best interpretations of Moonlight Sonata is a silly task for my level. I need to start feeling productive again. I must avoid an unhealthy relationship with the piano and music. And I should probably also learn to practice tonight's lesson in other areas of my life. Pinch myself. Wake up and smell the coffee. Acknowledge the levels I'm at in everything in life. Stop trying to achieve unrealistic goals. Pursue more modest goals that give me a sense of accomplishment and motivate me to keep going. That must be my plan of action in all things. This is what getting to know yourself is all about.